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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29374632">Perhaps I Had a Miserable Youth</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Webbgirl/pseuds/Webbgirl'>Webbgirl</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, First Kiss, Found Family, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Not Beta Read, Post-Episode: s04e04 9-1-1 What's Your Grievance?, Supportive Firehouse 118 Crew (9-1-1 TV), the buckleys are horrible parents</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 06:08:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,976</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29374632</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Webbgirl/pseuds/Webbgirl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>During a therapy session one day Dr. Copeland asked Buck to envision himself as an inanimate object. For some reason one of those ornamental glass paper weights came to mind. Only his was constantly be dropped, cracked and broken. Even when he was able to find all of the pieces, something else caused them to drop and shatter again. Buck is sure that one of these days it’s going to shatter and unfixable.</p><p>- Buck's found family make sure that he isn't left alone to pick up the pieces after the events of "What's Your Grievance".</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>275</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Perhaps I Had a Miserable Youth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first fic in YEARS. But after the episode it jumped in my head and wouldn't let go. This is what happens when you binge a show over the course of a week and a half and THIS is the next live episode.</p><p>It's not beta'd so there's likely some crimes against commas and abuse of ellipses. Sorry! If you see any glaring errors please yell.</p><p>The title is a line from the song "Something Good" in the Sound of Music.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">During a therapy session one day Dr. Copeland asked Buck to envision himself as an inanimate object. For some reason one of those ornamental glass paper weights came to mind. Only his was constantly be dropped, cracked and broken. Even when he was able to find all of the pieces, something else caused them to drop and shatter again. Buck is sure that one of these days it’s going to shatter and unfixable.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck isn’t sure why he thought that sleep would be a possibility. Even for a couple hours. A photo and a name were all it took to drop that glass weight again. This time it feels like it was dropped from a skyscraper. Running through his head is the idea that his parents wanted him to be a replacement for Daniel. The son they actually loved. The fact that his entire family, including the sister kept such an enormous secret from him only strengthened that thought.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">On the up-side, it at least explained why he always felt there was some invisible standard that he was never quite able to measure up to. It wasn’t anything he did or didn’t do. At least that’s what he tells himself now that the sun is coming up. Instead of sitting alone in the darkness, he’s sitting alone in the early morning light.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He doesn’t remember the drive home from Maddie’s place last night at all. Which is a whole level of ‘not good’ that he’ll deal with later. He did find a note from Albert saying he’d be out all night. Chim must have given him the heads up…Chim knows. That’s why he’s been acting so strange the past few days. Not only does it feel like the weight has shattered, it feels like people are taking the pieces away.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">When he first got home he thought about calling someone to talk to. But it was 2 in the morning and he didn’t want to lay this on someone else’s shoulders. Instead he paced around his apartment. Tried climbing into bed to sleep. Gave up. Tried sleeping on the sofa. Gave up. And eventually he jumped into the shower hoping that might help clear his head. It just gave him a different place to obsess.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It’s just after 7 am. Actual morning for real people.Maybe he can try and do a video chat with his therapist.A knock at the door interrupts him as he reaches for his tablet.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">A contrite Chim is standing in the hallway. “Hi Buck. Can I come in?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck actually considers closing the door but there’s no sense in putting this off. He doubts he’ll be anymore ready to do it tomorrow or the next day. So he steps back and wordlessly lets Chim into the loft.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He waits for Chim to speak. He doesn’t actively want to be an asshole to him, but he isn’t going to make it easy either.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Chim clears his throat. “Buck, Iisten, I didn’t want-“ He stops short and starts again. “Buck, I’m sorry.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“So you did know.” There’s at least a bit of an accusatory tone in Buck’s voice. He doesn’t care.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Yeah. Maddie told me right before your parents got here. It was torture trying to keep the secret.” Chim must have noticed Buck stiffen slightly. ”No excuses. You’re my friend. My family. And I let you down.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Because he can’t look Chim in the eye for too long without feeling the weight of all of the emotions com back in, Buck looks down at the floor while he forms his response. “Chim, I know you were in an impossible situation. I get it. I’m not mad at you. At least I don’t think I am.” He takes a deep breath and pushes on. “What I am Chim is hurt.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He finally looks up. Hurt is clear in Chim's eyes and on his face. Buck just isn’t sure which one of them that hurt is for. Probably a mix of both.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Chim, you are family. You’re my brother in so many ways. And having one more person in my family keeping something from me, one more person who doesn’t have my back…it hurts.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“ I do have your back.” Chim stops and must realize how that sounds given the situation. A piece of Buck wants to squash down his own feelings, tell Chim that everything is okay so that Chim doesn’t feel bad. Let things just go back to normal. But he knows that never leads to anything good in the long run.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’m going to be honest with you here. We’re going to be okay…at some point. But not today. Like I said, I’m not mad. But it does hurt. And I need to feel that for awhile.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Fair enough.” Chim is tentative when he asks, “So what about Maddie? You know that she feels awful. She loves you Buck.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I know that. but her loving me isn’t the issue. I just need some time to process this. Not forever, but time. If you both can give me some time and space I think we can start moving forward.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Chim starts to say something else but is cut off by the sound of the door opening and a very excited Christopher Diaz.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Christopher makes a beeline for where Buck is standing. “Hi Buck! We came over for some Buck Time.” The smile on Chris’s face feels like someone is gently picking up one of the glass pieces and putting it back in its place.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Eddie is right behind Chris and is looking at Chim and Buck and clearly trying to assess the situation. “Hey. Sorry if we’re dropping in too early, but Albert said you might be needing some company this morning. Looks like we weren’t his only call?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Chim looks slightly uncomfortable and starts heading to the door. “Actually, I’ve got to go. You three have fun. I’ll talk to you - later Buck.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Yeah, Chim. Later.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Eddie looks between the two of them clearly sensing that something is off. He’s silently asking Buck a million questions just with a look. Buck wants to answer but he’s having trouble forming words.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Eddie understands at least a bit.“Hey Bud, can you put one of your games in the X-box while I talk to Buck for a few minutes?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Chris sighs dramatically as he heads to the sofa, “Fine. Just don’t take too long. This is my Buck time too!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Eddie laughs. “Okay Mr. Drama. Buck will join you soon.” He turns to Buck, “You know he gets this from you, right?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I beg to differ. This is all you.”</p><p class="p1">There’s a weird spot on the floor that Buck suddenly finds fascinating. He’s not sure if it’s a flaw in the tile that he never noticed or if something was maybe spilled and stained.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He’s stalling. He knows he’s stalling. Thing is, he knows very well that Eddie can have infinite patience and that he’ll wait until Buck is ready.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“So, thanks for coming and bringing Christopher. I uh- I really need this today.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Like Chris said, we were looking forward to some Buck time. And the way Albert made it sound, there were more family explosions with your parents?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’d love to say it was just them, but this one was on them, Maddie and Chim.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Eddie moves in behind Buck and grabs two glasses out of the cupboard.“So that’s why there was so much tension when we walked in?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck pulls the water out of the refrigerator and hands it to Eddie without him even asking.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Yeah. It’s-“ Buck pauses, “It’s messy. I’m messy.” Buck looks at Eddie giving him the opportunity to bow out if he doesn’t want to wade into this level of drama. This shouldn’t be Eddie’s problem to deal with.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I can do messy. You know that. So what did Maddie and Chim do that’s this level of mess?” There’s a strength and calm that Eddie is exuding. He feels like a tether that Buck can grab onto so that he doesn’t get lost in his own emotions.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck takes a long drink and then launches in. “So it turns out that my parents had another son.” Eddie just waits for Buck to continue in his own time. “His name was Daniel. He died as a child. Essentially I was his replacement. Or was supposed to be. I was just never good enough to replace him.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The anger, disappointment and rejection are all bubbling to the surface. Buck doesn’t want to start crying, but he also doesn’t want to keep bottling things up inside.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Wow. That’s - “</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Messy.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“So Maddie knew? And she told Chim?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Yep. She told him right before my parents showed up.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck catches the slight tightening of Eddie’s jaw. He’s staying calm for Buck, but he’s mad too. “That explains the fire pole escape.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck looks at him, eyebrows raised slightly.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’ll explain later. So what are you going to do? I mean I know there’s nothing concrete or physical you can do to *fix* something like this, but…”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I told Chim I’m not mad at him. I’m not sure if that’s a hundred percent true, but I’m mostly just hurt. I get that he was stuck between Maddie and me so I understand…”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“But he still betrayed you and it hurts.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Yeah. As far as what I’m going to do? I’m going to give it time. I just need to work through all of this. I’ll probably end up paying for my therapist’s vacation home at the rate I’m going.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Have you talked to her since finding out?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“No. Not yet. I was actually thinking about doing that when Chim showed up. I don’t know though, I think I just want to sit with it a bit. Having time like this with you and Chris helps.” Buck throws him a big smile, but he feels the extra flutter as he says those words. He wants to try and convey just how much the Diaz boys mean to him. Those are words he still can’t quite seem to say out in the open yet..</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">********</p><p class="p1">For the next couple of hours Buck plays video games with Chris. Eddie runs out to grab them all some bagels and coffee from Noah’s…well, chocolate milk for Chris.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Once they finish eating, Eddie cleans up the remnants and announces that they’re going for a drive.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Where are we going? I want to play games with Buck!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Yeah. We want to play games.” Buck tries to give Eddie an honest to god pout. He’s pretty sure he doesn’t pull it off since Eddie just starts laughing and grabs Buck’s keys. “Let’s go. Everyone in the Jeep!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck knows Eddie well enough to know it isn’t just a drive. He tries to figure out just what Eddie is up to. “So you’re taking my car and not telling us where we’re going?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Yep! You just need to sit in the passenger seat and enjoy the ride.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">There’s a slight flush in Eddie’s cheeks as he finishes that sentence. Buck smiles the smile that Carla calls his ‘I know I’m sex on a stick but I’m going to let you hit on me anyway’ smile. He leans a bit closer to Eddie and says,“Fine. I’m all yours.” in a tone that isn’t exactly subtle.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Seeing how many shades of red he can get Eddie’s face to turn might make for a good distraction for the day.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">When Buck and Eddie are in sync, this sort of teasing comes easy for them. Sometimes it’s a gesture, sometimes it’s an off-hand comment, but they’ve been flirting more and more openly since the trip to Texas. Buck isn’t sure if it was the whole hitting on TK thing, (which for the record, he was ABSOLUTELY NOT doing, thank you very much) or if it was something else in the trip. When they stopped at Eddie’s parents he spent most of the dinner telling stories about him and Chris. And every once in awhile he’d catch Eddie giving him a look that could only be described as fond. All of it very much made Buck want to see where this was going to go.Based on the way Eddie was flirting back, he’d like to see where it’s going as well.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck knows he needs to have an actual adult conversation with Eddie about what’s happening, but as he was working up to that his parents showed up and all of his already broken pieces came crashing down. One more thing to thank his family for.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">********</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Eddie was serious when he said he was taking them for a ride. Initially Buck thinks they’re just going to go out to the park or someplace nearby as a distraction for him. Instead, they head out Sunset all the way to PCH. When they get to the bottom of the hill Buck tenses slightly knowing that if they go left, they’ll reach the the pier. He hasn’t been there since the tsunami and he knows Chris hasn’t either. But he doesn’t need to worry about it.Eddie makes a right and starts heading up the coast.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">In spite of the marine layer that’s ever present this time of year, the drive feels peaceful. Maybe the marine layer actually helps a little. As much as Buck loves the beach, the view of wide open water still makes his heart race a bit.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“So are we going any place specific? Or are you just looking to burn my gas?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Eddie just smiles and stays quiet for a couple of minutes. “I’ll give you 3 guesses. Otherwise you have to wait.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck knows that Eddie won’t cave and tell him unless they guess right.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He takes the first stab, “Duke’s for lunch?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck’s first outing with just the Diaz’s was to Duke’s. Eddie had insisted on taking him out to thank him for bringing him Carla and for his help with Chris after his abuela broke her hip. Buck had tried to decline and say that it was no big deal, but Eddie cheated and had Chris ask him.Pepa was right, the kid really is a Prince Charming. Buck should have known then that his heart didn’t really belong to himself anymore.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1"><em>Eddie almost rioted when Buck said he was ordering the poke tacos</em>.<em>“That’s not a taco Buck. My abuela is laid up in the hospital and you want me to bring shame on her and my family by eating that?”</em></p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>“Okay, Mr. Drama. I will have you know that the fish taco originated in Baja California and is therefor authentic Mexican food.”</em>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>“But that’s not even a Baja fish taco! It’s some mash-up.Plus? I’m not taking Mexican food tips from a guy who I’ve seen put American cheese slices on a tortilla, stick it into the microwave and call it a quesadilla. Absolute crime against nature.”</em>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>The server arrived and Eddie effectively cut off Buck’s response by starting the ordering. “I’ll have the Classic Burger please.”</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>A negotiation then ensued. Chris wanted to have poke tacos like Buck. Eddie reminded Chris that he didn’t actually like fish. A compromise was finally reached, Buck would share a bite of his tacos with Chris and Chris would share some of his pancakes with Buck. Eddie was right. Chris wasn’t a fan of the tacos. But he still seemed happy to be sharing with Buck.</em>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>After lunch they spent the rest of the day wandering through Malibu and hanging out in the sand. They spent a lot of time talking around their relationship-lives, but still it felt like Buck was getting a piece of himself back. The memory of that day is one of the ones that Buck calls up to help him get through the rougher days.</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Nope. Sorry, not Duke’s. Though we really should go back there some time. And before you ask, no, I will not eat the abominations.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Chris guesses next, “We’re going to Zuma.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It’s a good guess. Just a few more miles up the coast. The three of them had done a couple of trips up there and Buck and Eddie took Chris out on a surfboard so he could float in the water. Buck is sure it’s going to be awhile, if ever, before they do that again.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Nope. Two down, one more left.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck thinks about it and tries to work out the puzzle that is Eddie Diaz. When Eddie starts slowing slightly as they’re coming up on Topanga Canyon, Buck figures it out and smiles.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Got it. We’re going over the canyon to Bobby and Athena’s. Because only you would go an hour out of the way in L.A. traffic to get from point A to point B.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You sir are correct.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“We get to see Henry and May?” Chris is on board with this plan.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“We do Bud. They’ll be happy to see you.” Eddie glances over at Buck and Buck knows he’s checking to see if Buck is good with the destination. Quietly Eddie says, “If being around people is too much, I can drop Chris off and we can go grab a beer or something?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“No, thissounds perfect.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">************</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">As they climb out of the Jeep Buck stops for a moment, “I didn’t bring anything. I usually bring a bottle of wine for Athena.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Eddie triumphantly pulls a grocery bag out of the back of the Jeep. “Got it covered.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It’s something so simple and so stupid, but the fact that Eddie brought something from both of them, from their little family, creates a warm feeling that Buck can’t quite describe. He does know that it’s another piece to making him whole.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Thanks.” The word feels so small for everything that Eddie has given him and done for him over the past couple of years.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Nothing too good for our Buckaroo, right?” Eddie looks at Chris for confirmation as Buck helps him out of the Jeep.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Right!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">May surprises them andopens the door before they even knock. She gives Buck a quick hug and then turns to Chris, “You want to come out to the backyard? We have lots of fun stuff set up.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Chris turns to Eddie and Buck for confirmation. Eddie nods his head and Chris is whisked away.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It’s not just the Grant-Nash household that they’re visiting. It’s everyone. Karen is talking animatedly with Albert out on the patio, Hen and and Athena are talking in the kitchen and Bobby is out at the grill with Michael and David.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck knows the answer, but he can’t stop himself from asking, “Eddie you didn’t tell them about…”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Eddie leans in and squeezes Buck’s shoulder gently, “No. All I said was that your parentsbeing in town was taking a bit of a toll and you might want some real family time.” Buck swears he’s not going to start crying again here in front of everyone. “Remember Buck, if this is too much at any point, give the word and we’re out of here. Hen said she and Karen can bring Chris home.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Thanks Eds” The warm feeling in Buck’s chest expands a bit more . He can breathe a bit deeper.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">While Eddie takes the bag of whatever he and Buck brought to the party to the kitchen Bobby brings Buck a beer. and an iced tea for himself. “How are you doing? Eddie didn’t go into detail, but it sounds like a rough couple of days.’</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Honestly. I’m still processing things at the moment. Basically my crappy parents are a bit crappier than I thought. No real surprise there.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Sorry Buck. You do know that isn’t on you though, right?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Yes and no? It’s a work in progress.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’m honestly just glad to see that you are working through it and not trying to run from whatever it is. I’m proud of you.” Bobby may not be Buck’s father, but his approval and praise will always mean far more to Buck. “I’d better go check on lunch. Make sure the steaks are ready for the grill.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Bobby goes to check on things and Buck just takes the scene in. The backyard looks like some mini day camp with activities set up all over. That’s when he sees Carla helping Nia with the finger paints. He can’t wait to see what kind of beautiful multicolored disaster they’ll both be in an hour or so. Denny, Henry and Chris all look like they’re building something out of a mountain of legos. Every child there knows that their parents love them. No strings attached. No standard to meet. No trying to live up to the memory of a ghost.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">All of these amazing parents in one place. Parents he knows who love their kids unconditionally. Who would give pieces of their bodies and souls to protect their kids. It makes him ache and feel happy at the same time.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">After a few moments he realizes that the gathering feels incomplete. He knows that Chim and Maddie should be there too. He gets that they’re giving him the space he asked for. The thing is, he can’t stand the thought of any of his family members feeling excluded. No matter what else was happening. He’s lived with that feeling for far too long and he never wants to put that onto someone he loves.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Albert, can I talk to you a second?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Albert looks up from the video that Karen is showing him. He’s the tiniest bit hesitant as he approaches. “Hi Buck. I hope you don’t mind that I came but Eddie called and after, -you know-, I figured you could use all the friends you can get. But if me being here makes you uncomfortable because of Howie, I can go. It’s really oka-”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Breathe Albert.” Buck knows he’s trying to be a good friend, roommate and brother all at once. It’s still a little amusing to watch him start to ramble when he’s on a roll. “I’m really gladthat you’re here. I’m guessing that Chim and Maddie aren’t here on purpose?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“They figured that you wouldn’t want to see them yet. Howie said that they’ll give you whatever time you need and they can hang back. You know they’re both really sorry, right?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I do. And I told Chim this morning, I’m not so much mad at them as I am hurt. But I don’t want them to feel like they have to avoid the family because of our stuff. Can you call them and tell them that I’m good with them coming over too? I don’t know if I’m ready to talk with them about this yet, but I don’t want to be the reason they’re not here either.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I will. And I’ve got to say, I don’t know if I would deal with this kind of thing as well as you are. Though I suppose Howie and I have our own parent issues.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“It’s a group effort today that’s keeping me even keeled.” Buck reaches out and grabs Albert’s arm in a friendly gesture. They aren’t really huggers at this point. “Thanks Albert. You’re a good friend. I’m really glad you’re part of this family now.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Albert gives a small smile as he goes to call Chim.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Almost as soon as he’s gone Hen appears. Buck assumes this is going to be the pattern of the day. A rotation of people coming to check on him. As annoying as that might make him feel at another time, today it feels like each one of them is giving him a little piece of strength to help put another broken piece back together.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Hen reaches out and pulls Buck into a hug without hesitation. They’ve learned at this point where the personal space boundaries are at any given time.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Buckaroo. I’d ask you how you’re doing, but that seems like a really ridiculous question right now.. So, what can I do for my Buck?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Honestly Hen, just being here is helping.” With Hen’s arms still firmly around him, Buck turns back towards the patio watching the kids again.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Seeing these kids playing. They have all these amazing parents here…I know part of me still wants to be jealous. And maybe I am a little bit. But mostly? I feel lucky to know all of you and them. I know there’s nothing your kids could ever do, say or be that would lead to you making them feel unloved or unwanted.” Tears start pushing their way through again. This time he doesn’t even bother to try and stop them. Hen pulls him in a bit tighter.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Taking a deep breath, Buck tries to compose himself a bit more again. Hen leans up and gives him a kiss on the temple. “I don’t know details, but I do know that things may be rough between you and Chim for a bit. I just don’t want you to think that you can’t still come to me.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Thanks Hen. I appreciate that. I actually just sent Albert to tell Chim and Maddie they can come over too. I never want to put this family in the middle of the train wreck that is my parents. They’re not worth it. Knowing you’re here really does mean the world to me.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You’re a very good man Evan Buckley.” Hen kisses him again and pulls away. He looks up he sees Athena heading towards him. Hen heads back to where Karen is and Buck chuckles slightly because he knows they’re sending in the big guns now.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck looks at Athena and tilts his head slightly“So you’re the next in the rotation?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">She smiles, “Got to send in the closer at some point.” They stand shoulder to shoulder not saying anything else for awhile. Buck can’t say why, but it’s comforting. Maybe it’s having the power and strength of a woman who would battle to the ends of the earth for those she loves standing right next to him. And knowing with certainty that he’s on that list.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It’s finally Buck who speaks. “Thank you Athena.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“For what?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“For making me part of your family. I don’t just mean because of the firehouse. Athena, I know you and Bobby aren’t my parents, but the two of you have shown me more love than mine ever did. Even though I’ve given you both plenty of reason to wash your hands of me.” He sees the slight warning in her expression that he’d better not start down the road of badmouthing one ofher kids.“You guys understand that loving your kids is the baseline default. Not something they have to try and earn or meet some invisible standard to get. Not everyone is that lucky.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Buck, know that you are loved. And you deserve every bit of that love. Not because of anything you’ve done.Because lord knows you’ve tested my patience.” The expression on her face dares him to argue with that. He would never.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Athena takes Buck’s face in her hands. She wants him to hear this. “Buck, you deserve all that love just because you’re you. This slightly wild, more than a little mouthy, young man who has come into his own before our eyes. You have a good heart and a good soul Buck. Don’t ever let anyone try to convince you of anything different. If they do, send them my way.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">A full laugh escapes Buck for the first time probably since his parents arrival. “As long as you promise I don’t have to clean the mess afterwards.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Deal. I know people.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Something else loosens a bit in Buck. Instead of others coming to him, he starts making the rounds and talking to everyone. As is usually the case, that means that he ends up gravitating towards Eddie. It’s not fully conscious but there’s an underlying magnetic pull. No matter what anyone says. They spend the next while doing a sort of dance where they ebb and flow near each other never quite meeting. Buck knows if he’s too close to Eddie right now, he will absolutely do something very unprofessional to embarrass them both.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Chim and Maddie arrive just before the food is ready. Maddie wistfully looks towards Buck. He’s not sure if she’s assessing him or looking for permission. He gives her a slight smile, but makes it clear that he’s not ready for that conversation yet.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">There’s steaks, ribs, some amazing casserole thing that Karen brought. And Buck discovers that he and Eddie brought some of Abuela’s sweet corn tamales as their contribution. Along with Athena’s wine of course. After the food is all eaten and the kids have gone back to building some sort of fort/tower combination, Buck decides there is a conversation he is ready for.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Everyone has migrated to the back yard since the afternoon is turning into a perfect evening. Buck pulls Eddie into the house and into a small alcove.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Everything okay Buck? You want to go?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“No. Everything is great. That’s kind of why I wanted to talk to you.” He swallows hard and looks at his best friend. He knows that they’re about to cross a line but if he’s honest with himself, they crossed that line long ago. They’re just finally catching up with themselves.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Eddie doesn’t pretend for a second that he doesn’t know what Buck is talking about. “So. You want to continue the conversation from Texas now?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck nods.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“In Bobby and Athena’s house. With all of our co-workers here. That’s the conversation you want to have.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">If Eddie is trying to discourage him, that look on his face that’s a combinations of soft fondness and someone who wants to do some not safe for work things with him isn’t going to do it.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck clears his throat, “Yeah. Well, maybe not the whole, uh,…talk,” he uses honest to god air quotes, “but maybe the talk to say that we’re going to talk?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Yet a different shade of red starts creeping up Eddie’s cheeks. “You’re an idiot. You know that, right?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Yes. But the question is, am I your idiot?” Buck hadn’t intended on jumping straight to point that quickly, but here they are. He’s handing Eddie one of his broken pieces for safe keeping while trusting that he won’t shatter it further. He could turn it into a joke and pretend he didn’t just say the words. But he already knows the answer to his own question. Eddie has been answering that question all day long in so many ways. Big and small. Now it was just a matter of them both letting it out into the light.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It feels like time is slowing. Buck’s senses are overwhelmed. There’s the scent of Eddie that Buck could identify with his eyes closed. The warmth of Eddie’s hands as he slowly cups Buck’s jaw. The outline of Eddie’s mouth. The way his eyelashes are casting a shadow on his cheek. Buck is sure that if he moves that it will all evaporate.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">As many late nights as Buck had thought about this… dreamed about this…he was selling them both short. The warm glow that has been in his chest since Eddie showed up this morning has fully expanded through his body. All it takes is the first touch of Eddie’s lips to his.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Eddie isn’t timid but he’s moving deliberately. Kissing the corners of Buck’s mouth then returning to his lips. The slight stubble around Eddie’s lips adds to the sensory input.Buck wants to spend decades on this get it properly. Memorize every detail. He puts his hands on Eddie’s hips to try and ground himself. But it’s one more sense that Buck just wants to get lost in. When Buck parts his lips he feels every bit of Eddie’s love for him pouring into the kiss. There’s no questioning it. Buck knows that’s the point. Eddie is makings sure that Buck never doubts that he’s loved.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Eventually Eddie leans his head back slightly but he continues to trace circles on Buck’s jaw and neck with his thumbs. . “So, does that answer the question?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck wants to make a smart ass remark. He wants to be his cocky self. All he can think to say is, “Um…yeah. Sure. Good.” His brain is just refusing to fully engage.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Eddie’s face is the epitome of smug when he starts laughing. “Good. We can finish the ‘conversation’ later. Deal?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Yep.” Brain still not working.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The footsteps nearby manage to kickboth Eddie and Buck back into the real world. They turn and see May heading out to the patio shouting, “I WON THE POOL!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck isn’t sure what’s happening, but he’s pretty sure that he and Eddie are about to be mocked mercilessly.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Walking out onto the patio, they see that May is doing what looks like some sort of end zone celebration. She pauses long enough to face them and say “Thank YOU! The pot was up to $2,000. Now I can get that new bag and the shoes I wanted.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Looking around Buck is trying to figure out what just happened.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Eddie gets there first. “You all had a pool going of when we would kiss?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Kiss, or whatever.” Karen looks irritated.”If you could have held out one more day it would have been my week. You both owe me a massage day.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“So all of you are in on this?” Buck is still incredulous. “All of you have been betting on us. For how long?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Hen starts laughing. “It’s not just us. Half of L.A. Emergency Services is in. We all knew that eventually you’d both get it together.The 126 crew in Texas are going to be pissed. They were looking to get in on next month’s round.” Hen had her phone out and Buck could only assume she was texting one of the Austin Firefighters.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“And as for how long? Not too long after the earthquake. Probably when you went on that date to Duke’s.” Buck just stares at Athena. He’s not sure if he’s hoping for another earthquake to open the ground and swallow him whole or not.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I hate you all.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Bobby starts laughing. “Yeah, but do you? Really? Don’t worry, Buck I’ll save the chat we’re going to have to have until before next shift. Both of you.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">”Aww, so they get a honeymoon.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck looks to Albert. “Really Albert? I let you stay with me and this is how it’s going to be?” Everyone is laughing. It’s like a dam has burst and Buck can’t help but get caught up in it.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Pointing at him, Eddie says, “This is your fault.” There’s no heat behind the words but Buck is sure he’s going to pay for it nevertheless.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Someone’s sleeping on the couch.” Chim hesitates slightly after speaking, but Buck can’t honestly be mad at anyone at the moment.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Is Buck staying at our house tonight?” Christopher has left his project to see what’s happening. Everyone starts laughing even harder.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“How about you, your dad and I talk about that later? Why don’t you show me what you’re working on?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Buck hears Michael ask Athena, “So are you going to start a new pool for when they set the date for the wedding?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“They’re already living together, might as well.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Christopher drags Buck along with him to see his latest masterpiece. Buck looks back at everyone. His family is all here. Every person in the world that he loves. He doesn’t need anyone else. He knows without a doubt that no matter how many broken pieces he has, there will be someone there to help him pick them up, polish them off and put them back in place. Just like he’ll do for them.</p>
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